I’m in my 30s, I have two children and I still have dreams. I also have a lot of responsibilities. My plate is full and overflowing. It’s no simple task raising up human beings. It’s a labor of love indeed. I do my best to fit into my day all that can be done to grow a business while I take care of a baby full time, look after my 9-year old and be a wife to my husband -who by the way often works out of town. So, prayers all around for motherhood, marriage and still believing that God has a plan for the blessings AND bombshell moments that blow my faith to pieces.
I’ll admit, motherhood changes your whole existence. Not only does everything else in your life take a backseat to your being a mom, but motherhood becomes a whole other FULL-TIME job. And you’ve gotta figure out how to manage it and whatever else was able to survive the journey like hobbies, friendships and oh yeah -your CAREER. Motherhood was always a dream of mine but it wasn’t the only one! I refuse to believe that being a mom means that my hopes, wishes and dreams don’t matter anymore. I ignore those who say that (a) I now have to give my whole life to my kid(s) (b) I’ve gotta live totally for them (c) I should’ve done all that I wanted to do before they came! Lies, lies, lies.
So, I’m a mom. I’m grateful. I’m not complaining. I care about being a good mom -not a perfect mom but the best mom for my children. And while the struggle is real, I persist in pursuing other things that I believe God has called me to do. I haven’t stopped pursuing my dreams. Are my children ENOUGH? YES! If God decided not to bless me with anything else in life, I’d be perfectly fine. Even still, I have a burning passion to be more, achieve more, have more in addition to what God has blessed me with so far. I left my unfulfilling and underpaying full time job to stay at home with Bella and train for a new career. Paul and I decided that the stay at home role was best for our family right now.
These days, the pursuit is limited to THOUGHTful planning via notes in my cell phone while I breastfeed. There just isn’t a bunch you can get accomplished with one child then factor in a new little one! I thought I’d be able to get the cooking, cleaning and business-building all done while Bella napped and played. And let’s not even talk about the time and attention that my eldest daughter deserves. There are so many moments like the picture above where I’ve waited all day to put Bella down and just vomit on to paper the day’s worth of vision and brainstorming. I finally get a moment to focus on chipping away at the mountain of things to do that will ultimately make me feel like less of an underachiever and more like those successful mommypreneurs all over the internet with their fabulous work from home careers, brunches with girlfriends, fashionably dressed kids in and 6-figure profiting blogs. They make it look so easy.
My motivation: I care a lot about what my children will think of me and my life when they are older. Will they follow my example? What kind of example am I setting? Will they be proud of me -their mom. So, I don’t mind Semira seeing me on the computer early in the morning or late at night, on the weekends or for hours at time. She knows that I’m doing school work or writing a book. She’s seen me in a diligent and committed posture time and time again. She asks me why and I say it’s because I enjoy what I’m doing, I’m learning a lot, I’m good at it, I’m building a legacy for her. She always walks away like “OK, mommy” but deep down I’m hoping that she’ll remember those moments and be just as passionate about her own life and family.
I truly believe that God doesn’t give you more than you can bare. He might give you more than you can handle so that you can be stretched to new limits and grow but nothing that will CRUSH YOU. That’s just not His love. Yes, the load gets pretty heavy so, go ahead and cry when you feel like crying. I always joke that I cry when my babies cry and it’s TRUE. I’ve told Paul many times that I feel like a failure because I’d been unsuccessful at getting a million things done in a day. And I’ve felt a lot of GUILT for wanting to. I find a lot of comfort in venting to God. I pray and vent often. I encourage you to do the same. Let Him know you think it’s pretty tough and unfair and you just might give up. Tell Him that you need help and be ready for whatever His idea of help is. Because of boy have I learned that God doesn’t always send me a physical person that I can hand Bella over to for an hour while I do the running around. He’s seemed to increase my energy, patience, Bella’s calm or Semira’s independence. And He’s often decreased my drive for other things and slowed me down! Really, that’s what I’ve learned and encourage you to do -SLOW DOWN. Put into perspective the fact that your children are little now and you’ll never get this time back. So, I’ve really learned to humble myself and just reflect. In my life, motherhood is the answer to a prayer. What prayer? Many prayers. And maybe those prayers weren’t specifically for children but motherhood was God’s answer. I remind myself that I PRAYED for this -all of it. The children, husband, goals that I’m passionate about -I prayed for these experiences, put them on vision boards, talked about them incessantly. I put out there in prayer and in the universe that I wanted a full life and I got it.
“…When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required.” Luke 12:48
So, the empire is slowly being built one email at a time and website revision at a time. When I can, I add to my to-do list, I check off a task or two and then I add more. I make phone calls when I can but I mostly try to get my resources secured and questions answered via email. I try not to get ahead of God or rush the season I’m in. I focus on praying and trusting Him. I believe that He loves me and has the best planned for me.